For many children of the past 75 years, there was a certain rhythm to the school year. Field days, D.A.R.E. presentations, and book fairs marked the passage of educational time. Another momentous milestone, loved by some and abhorred by most, was the Presidential Fitness Test.
Although there were older iterations, JFK cranked this exercise in exercise into high gear. One of the reasons was because American kids were perceived to be soft compared to the commies’ children. Anyways, all was well and good until Obama decided that kids needed Beyonce-led jazzercize instead of Cold War-era martial structure.
But I digress.
There was something satisfying about running, stretching, and pull-uping your way into the top 15% of children in the country. I propose that this current administration implement something similar for another demographic that is unfairly characterized as “soft.” Why not establish benchmarks for exceptionalism in one of the most historic and cultured facets of American sporting history?
Why not give out patches for being good at fly fishing things?
My modest proposal is based off of the Presidential Fitness Test that so many of us grew up with. It takes the spirit of the five events and imports them into the fly fishing world to create The Presidential Fly Fishness Test. Here are the 5 events:
Rod Stringing
The shuttle run was a frantic exercise that could be completely derailed by missing the mark by a matter of inches. Similarly, stringing up your 9′ rod riverside while another guy is heading toward rising fish can become a stressful operation. You have 15 seconds to get your leader and line through all your guides – and you’re disqualified if you miss one.
Musky Fly Casting
Endurance is the name of the game here. Once you get the tube sock-sized fly up in the air, you have to keep casting. After all, it takes more than a few casts to catch the fish of 10,000 casts. But like the mile, speed is also of the essence. So no lollygagging. Your guide has to say “keep up the good work” after 7 minutes, 30 seconds.
Yeti Lifting
Few things in life were more intimidating than the prospect of hanging desperately from a pull-up bar in front of a group of co-ed classmates. How about struggling with your cooler of beer and sandwiches in front of all of the guides and their clients at the boat launch? You must hoist the ice-filled rotomolded cooler out of the back of your truck and into your boat 10 times.
Hook-Eye Threading
It doesn’t matter how strong you are. It doesn’t matter how fast you are. If you can’t put the midge on the 7X, you’re not going to be catching fish. Just like the v-sit & reach was the downfall of inflexible athletes, threading the eye of a size 24 hook is the bane of even the most skilled angler’s existence. But that is what you got to do if you want the patch.
I think I’m on to something. Organize your fishing buddies or your TU chapter. Get out the stopwatch and the gym shorts. Go for the glory and be prepared to be humiliated if you fail in public. That, after all, is what this is all about.